Never Go Grocery Shopping Before the Super Bowl
- Sue Leonard
- 14 hours ago
- 3 min read
My first mistake was to go grocery shopping before the Super Bowl.
When the automatic doors slid open and I saw only five carts left, I knew I was in trouble.
The produce section felt like something out of the movie Up. It was wall-to-wall with Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day balloons. Red. Pink. Football-shaped. Heart-shaped. Floating menacingly over the oranges.
Toward the end of the display, three managerial types were staring upward. One of them said, “Oh my God, the store is gonna float away.”
My brain immediately wondered if Publix could sell all those balloons. Were they being optimistic, or did someone accidentally order 1,000 instead of 100?
The balloons aren’t cheap. An online wholesaler was discounting balloons at 100 for $67. That’s… not insignificant. And think of the helium. According to something called the Helium Balloon Chart & Calculator (yes, such a thing exists), that display would require about 65 cubic feet of helium.
Artificial Intelligence says it takes roughly 2,600 cubic feet to float a human. So no, the manager did not need to worry that the store would float away.
But it does raise the question: how many balloons would it take to float a grocery cart? I’ll let you run those numbers.
With that many balloons, I bet there were at least a few employees walking around with squeaky voices. Come on. It would be hard to inflate all those balloons and not want to inhale a little helium to talk like Mickey Mouse. My team did it in the 90s when we were prepping for an office party. Scientists say helium kills brain cells. Maybe that explains some things.
The Tangerine Dilemma
If you try to manage expenses, the grocery store presents moral challenges.
Tangerines were on sale for $1.55 each, which felt outrageous. But they’re healthy. And hubby loves them.
The problem? There were large ones and small ones. The small ones felt less economical. The large ones felt wasteful. We would never eat a whole large tangerine. Half would end up in the trash, contributing to landfills and the decline of civilization. So I bought the smaller ones and chastised myself for being a spendthrift. That’s environmentally responsible, right? Or just economically irrational? I’m still not sure.
Aisle Anthropology
In the cereal aisle, a man blocked traffic while holding two bags of granola and reading the ingredient lists aloud to someone (his wife?) on the phone. “Do you want the one with flaxseed? Or the one with ancient grains?” I felt like saying “Sir. It’s granola. Pick one.”
Each aisle was packed. Shoppers. Restocking carts. Big rolling pallets are blocking escape routes. The good news? The shelves were full. We would survive the Super Bowl.
Outside the exit, the Girl Scouts had set up camp. Fortunately, they did not make direct eye contact.I was proud of myself for resisting. I love Thin Mints.
I escaped with what I needed for the Chinese menu I was preparing the next day.
The Peanut Incident
As I unpacked the groceries, feeling triumphant, my husband asked, “Where are the peanuts?”
Silence.
Despite checking my list against the Szechuan Tofu with PEANUTS recipe, I had forgotten to actually put peanuts on the list. In the future, I will have to make my list and check it twice.
So I had to go back. On Super Bowl Sunday. That will teach me.
Epilogue
Out of curiosity, I counted the balloons in my photo. Even though it didn’t capture the entire extent of the sea of balloons, there were about 115. So maybe there were about 150 balloons. Perhaps I exaggerated when I said 1,000.
On Valentine’s Day, I returned to the store and noticed there weren’t many balloons left. Apparently, Publix understood the market better than I did.
This time, however, I did not resist the Girl Scout cookies. Thin Mints. My Valentine’s Day gift to myself.
From the Learning News as a Senior Blog.
After my blog about learning new words as a senior, one reader warned me about GPS tracking that could expose one’s whereabouts.
He asked, “What if you visit the liquor store? gambling dens? Brothels?
He also shared a story about a woman who discovered 7,000 texts between her husband and his girlfriend and then trashed his sports car. Charges were dropped, but the divorce was not pretty.
My friend concluded his next car would be a 2007 Crown Vic without GPS and he’d switch to a phone card which couldn’t track his whereabouts.
I told him he has very interesting acquaintances. As for me, I don’t care if GPS tracks me. At my age, they’ll discover I only go to two places: 1) the grocery store 2) the doctor’s office. Or maybe a Rolling Stones concert if they give away free tickets.