Is My Salad Trying to Kill Me?

Just when I thought I was crushing it on the health front by eating a salad every night, Consumer Reports swoops into my mailbox with a buzzkill: “10 REALLY RISKY FOODS RIGHT NOW.” Cucumbers are public enemy number two. Leafy greens, number seven. Carrots? Number Eight. Number nine, organic basil.  I sat there, salad fork in midair, feeling personally attacked.

Then, to pile on, the Food Gardening Network posted, "Eating Vegetables from the Grocery Store Could Kill You!"

Apparently, your only hope is to grow your own food. But even that isn't safe. Because raccoons, deer, dogs, and every backyard critter you can name are busy pooping in your garden beds. If you really want to ruin your appetite, check out Garden Veggies and Poopy Parasites. On second thought,  you don’t want to go there. It’s too graphic for the squeamish.  It might even scare you about having a cat or dog in your house. But if a raccoon ever uses your yard as a latrine, it gives great advice for cleaning up raccoon latrines.  It begs the question: How will you know if a raccoon has used your yard as a latrine?

Thank God I live in an apartment. At least here, the only droppings I have to worry about are geckos and pigeons.

E. coli is swarming in the news nowadays. Experts now recommend skipping salads when dining out and buying only hydroponically grown lettuce.

So, in one issue, Consumer Reports has flipped the health advice that we’ve heard for decades. "Eat fruits and vegetables!" A seminar on senior independence raved about the magic of leafy greens. Prevention magazine, Healthy Aging, Weight Watchers — all preaching the gospel of kale and spinach. Medicare.gov emailed me: Healthy Eating Helps Prevent Chronic Disease, touting the magic of fruits and vegetables.  

And yet now, Consumer Reports is wagging its finger at my poor, innocent cucumber.

Even six years ago, they warned us about listeria lurking in prewashed spinach and organic spring mixes, sold at all the big national chains. At this point, I’m wondering if I'd be safer gnawing on a Twinkie.

And they warn against organic foods. Oh no! All these years, I’ve been forking over extra cash for organic produce, feeling smugly virtuous. Now I find out that while I dodged pesticides, I may have been swimming in animal poop germs the whole time? Apparently, it's a choice: Quick death by E. coli or slow death by pesticide exposure. Pick your poison.

Next, they trot out a terrifying list of bacteria to "watch out for" — E. coli, Salmonella, Listeria. Am I supposed to buy a microscope now? Do I need to open my own personal FDA branch in the spare bedroom? Maybe I’ll put a lab coat on my cat and call it a day.

Experts advise cooking leafy greens to kill bacteria. Cooking lettuce? It’s no longer leafy. Isn’t that just green slime? Is there anything sadder than a droopy, soggy, gray leaf that used to be romaine?

Of course, restaurants try to dodge lawsuits by sticking the obligatory warning on menus: "Consuming raw or undercooked foods may increase your risk of foodborne illness." Fun fact: Until 2016, the State of New York didn't even allow restaurants to print that warning.  But guess what? Those warnings won’t hold up in court against a good lawyer.

And then there's the eternal coffee debate. Good for you? Bad for you? Depends on which day you ask. Currently, the Mayo Clinic is giving coffee two thumbs up, linking it to lower risks of everything from Parkinson’s to liver cancer. (1) The only downside they mention?Too much caffeine might make you jittery. And honestly, who among us couldn't use a little extra energy?

See - the lattee even has a heart - it's gotta be heart healthy!

Alcohol is another moving target. First, a glass of red wine a day was practically a medical prescription. Now Mayo Clinic says a healthy diet and exercise are better. (2) Maybe lay off the wine.

This used to be considered a healthy meal

What is a healthy diet anymore? Because if Consumer Reports keeps waving their scary red flags, we’ll all end up living on purified water and Tic Tacs.

I was hoping being older would work in my favor! I’ve heard that after a lifetime of battling bacteria and viruses, we older folks have built an accumulated immunity. Turns out, not so much. I guess our immune systems weaken with age.  (3)

In the spirit of scientific inquiry, last week I spotted a turtle by the pond and wondered, "Do turtles get sick from salmonella themselves? After all, they carry it." Answer: Nope. Reptiles are just cheerful, germy little carriers. Chickens, on the other hand, can get sick, but they usually strut around the barnyard asymptomatic.

So, after reading all this, did I stop eating my nightly salad? Absolutely not. I still munch my greens like a hoping they will keep me healthy and they’ve been properly washed. I still sip my coffee (decaf after noon ), and I still enjoy the occasional glass of wine.

And you know what? I even indulge in cream sauces and desserts I once avoided like the plague. After all, what’s the point of growing old if you can’t indulge a little every once in a while? Or more?

Cheers to leafy greens, coffee, wine, and living dangerously — one salad at a time.

References

1. Donald Hensrud, M.D., Is drinking coffee Healthy? Mayo Clinic,

2. Alcohol use: Weighing risks and benefits, Mayo Clinic

3. People at Increased Risk for Food Poisoning, CDC, January 31, 2025